According to a highly credible source in the Russian military (armiya), billionaire Russian Dmitry Rybolovlev is the secret brother of Melanija Knavs – now known around the world as Melania Trump.
But this is just one of the stunning bits of information uncovered today about her family ties.
The Bureau of World Reports has published incredible, hidden documents that show, according to medical records, that both Dmitry Rybolovlev and Melanija Knavs are also related to none other than Vladimir Putin.
Kremlin officials have denied the allegations, but forensics obtained by the BWR show that there is a 99.98% certainty that both Dmitry and Melanija are the children of Russian President Vladimir Putin.
As a shocked U.S. intelligence community reacts tonight to this remarkable news, it paints a new picture of the woman so many have dismissed as being clueless and out of the loop.
The reality, according to Isaw Donpeedonski, General of the Yugoslav People’s Army (JNA), is that Melania has been the one controlling and manipulating Donald Trump – and the one with enough leverage over the president to control every decision he makes.
Sources close to the agency say that it has become clear that Melania orchestrated loans with Deutsche Bank, business dealings with Russian oligarchs and agreements with Putin himself regarding Ukraine, oil contracts and more.
Perhaps most surprising is that Melania has been behind some of the peculiar tweets using the @RealDonaldTrump Twitter account. These tweets, in particular, stood out to investigators:
A White House staffer admitted that Melania has about a dozen mobile phones linked into all sorts of social accounts, and is often the one tweeting for her husband.
“The truth is, not only are his fingers too short to comfortably hold a phone, they are also too fat to hit just one letter at a time. They’re like snausages*.”
The president often dictates messages to Melania to avoid having to use his own hands, but she just tweets whatever she wants.
Another revelation attracting the attention of the FBI is evidence that Melania was one of the masterminds behind the mis-information campaign launched during the 2016 Presidential election.
She was the one that inserted long-time loyalist Paul Manafort as leader of the Trump campaign.
“She hand-picked just about everyone,” said Uri Neonhim, a now former confidant of the first lady. She even used nicknames for top level operatives, calling Steve Bannon the “Bannon Cannon” and referring to Paul Manafort as “Paul Man-who-farts.” Manafort reportedly hated his nickname, but his inability to “hold them in” during meetings made it hard to stop.
Melania also made sure her brother, Dmitry, was able to fly into nearby airports while they were campaigning so he could give suitcases of cash to the Trump campaign. This relationship between Trump and Dmitry has become more evident in recent days thanks to reporting by The Rachel Maddow Show.
Uri Neonhim went on to talk about the millions of people who saw a photo which showed Donald Trump peeking over at Melania while she cast a vote for president this past election.
“People assumed that he was checking to make sure she was voting for him. The truth is that he is so trained to obey her, and so inept at reading directions, that his instinct was to copy her to avoid any mistakes. ”
Apparently, a common punishment imposed by Melania during the campaign was to lock her husband in a room with videos of Elizabeth Warren rally speeches blaring. Now, even months later, just the sound of Senator Warren’s voice makes him visibly sweat and grind his teeth. One of the clips that drove him nuts was this appearance by Elizabeth Warren in New Hampshire in October 2016.
There has been speculation about the reason why the first lady has remained in NYC instead of moving into the White House.
According to the Trump family’s next ex-bodyguard Ash Amedman, “The reality is, she has a sophisticated spy operation running out of her residence. She would never be able to continue with her diabolical plans if she had to move.”
An undocumented worker from the Trump Hotel’s housekeeping staff spoke to us privately, saying that Melania is a “cerebro” and that she is “un zorro muy astuto.”
Translation: She is a “mastermind” and “one very sly fox.”
And that sly fox is now the most powerful fox in the world.
For the record, this is Faux News. Satire. Truly fake news. Absolutely made up.
Except for the bit about Dmitry flying to be near Donald Trump. That’s real. And obviously that’s a real rally with Senator Warren we linked to.
* In the interest of full disclosure, this reporter’s dog loves Snausages.
Sources: Wikipedia, Youtube, Twitter, Rachel Maddow Show